Softwood Lumber Dispute Threatens Entertainment Exports

Canada has raised the stakes in the softwood lumber dispute with the United States and has threatened to stop the flow of talented comedians south of the border. If the plan is implemented Canada would stop exporting comedians until the United States removed duties on Canadian softwood lumber. Hollywood producers are worried that without a reliable supply of Canadian comedians the American comedy industry would collapse.

The American comedy industry has long relied on Canadian comedic talent to fuel its ever growing thirst for laughter. Prime examples are the overwhelming success of Mike Meyers and the Austin Powers franchise. Also, the highest paid actor in Hollywood is Canadian comedian Jim Carey. The United States was not always so dependent on foreign comedy. In the past the United States was able to domestically produce enough comedians to fuel its entertainment industry. However, as the American entertainment industry grew and American comedic resources became harder to find a greater dependence on foreign comedy developed. This reliance of foreign comedians was first exemplified with the British comedy embargo of 1973. For years American television networks had padded late night television schedules with cheap imported British sitcoms produced by the BBC. The cheap supply of British sitcoms ended when the British government drastically cut the BBC’s budget and the quality and quantity of British sitcoms available for import was drastically cut. The result was a shortage of good late night comedy bringing about the prevalence, even today, of late night infomercials. At the time many experts predicted the end of American comedy. That is until Canadian Lorne Michaels started “Saturday Night Live” in New York City and saved the American comedy industry. During the last two decades the American entertainment industry has come to rely on foreign comedic talent and specifically Canadian talent.

Rumours are also circulating that if shutting off the supply of Canadian comedians does not result in a break in the American softwood lumber duties Canada could employ what has been referred to as “Operation Ferme la Bouche”. The plan involves invoking an obscure and controversial law left over from colonial times. The law allows the Canadian government to revoke anyone’s citizenship if that person is determined to be a “detriment or plague to Canadian culture from actions committed in a foreign country.” The person effectively becomes a persona non grata. It is rumoured that this law would be used to revoke Celine Dion’s citizenship making it impossible for her to leave the United States thereby perpetuating her reign of terror on Las Vegas and American adult contemporary fans.

Maple Leafs Sign Guy Lafleur

The Toronto Maple Leafs of the National Hockey League have signed retired fifty-three year old hall of fame member Guy Lafleur. Initially, speculation was that Lafleur would have some sort of front office position, those in attendance were shocked when it was announced that Lafleur was to play for the Leafs. This makes Lafleur the oldest player in the NHL by far. The announcement was held at a Maple Leaf press conference at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. At the press conference Lafleur was presented with the number ten jersey he is to wear. This marks the second time Lafleur has come out of retirement to resume his hockey career.

The Maple Leafs have long tried to build championship teams using aging hockey veterans rather than building on young talent, this strategy has not even produced a Stanley Cup final appearance. The signing of Lafleur marks the most extreme example of the strategy. Anonymous sources close to the Leafs organization, speaking on the condition of anonymity, have shed light on the signing. Maple Leaf general manager, John Ferguson, after watching the Tampa Bay Lightning win the Stanley Cup using a core of talented young players from the Quebec major junior league wanted to follow suit. However, rather than send scouts to scour the Quebec league, Leaf management wanted to sign already proven Quebec talent, even if those players were a little past their prime. Initially, Ferguson demanded to sign arguably the greatest player to come out of Quebec, Maurice “Rocket” Richard. Ferguson reportedly refused to believe staff members who informed him that Richard had died in 2000. It took a signed letter from the estate of Maurice Richard and a copy of the death certificate to convince Ferguson that the legend was in fact deceased. Apparently, Ferguson thought that the Maple Leaf’s arch rival Montreal Canadiens were somehow standing in the way and preventing the Leafs from signing Richard. With Richard not being a possibility, Ferguson turned his attentions to living Quebec players. However, because most Quebec born players are brought up die hard Montreal fans with an ingrained hatred for the Maple Leafs most refused to even entertain the idea. Lafleur was reportedly cool to the idea to start as well, but when a contract in excess of two million dollars a season was offered along with a donation to his prostate cancer foundation it turned out to be too good to refuse.

Lafluer had a spectacular and storied career with the Montreal Canadiens, he retired from the Canadiens in 1985. Lafleur was inducted into the hockey hall of fame in 1988. Lafleur then came out of retirement in 1988 and played for the New York Ranger and Quebec Nordique until 1991, when he again retired. Lafleur was famous for being one of the last players to not wear a helmet, because of his age and a grandfather clause he was able to ignore the mandatory helmet rule. His long hair and attractive appearance made him a favourite amongst the ladies. Lafleur still plans not to wear a helmet when he skates for the Leafs, even with the prevalence of high sticking in the modern NHL. Lafluer has reportedly been training all summer and cut his cigarette consumption back to two packs a day, the level it was at when he won five Stanley Cups with the Montreal Canadiens in the 1970’s.

Matt's Blog

My crazy cool friend Matt's blog http://hornsofmalcontent.blogspot.com/.
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Gordon Lightfoot Squashes Rumours of His Own Death by Releasing Album

Gordon Lightfoot, who had reportedly died last week, is apparently not dead, evidenced by Lightfoot releasing a new studio album. The sixty-six year folk legend was thought to have passed away quietly at his home surrounded by family. However, he was actually in a Toronto recording studio putting the finishing touches on his twenty-sixth studio album, appropriately titled “Gordon Lightfoot, Still Alive 2005”. The fifteen time Juno award winner, Canadian Music Hall of Fame inductee and Companion of the Order of Canada has long been Canada’s most beloved singer songwriter. News of his supposed death had brought in tributes from across Canada and around the world. Leonard Cohen said of Lightfoot, “His gift of words and melody has been unmatched in this country.” Willie Nelson called Lightfoot “...the finest Canadian musician I know and a complete gentleman.” Lightfoot has been battling health problems over the last few years and news of his death although saddening was not entirely shocking. Lightfoot said he was shocked to learn of his death and repeatedly tried to phone media outlets to put down the rumours. Many people who took calls from Lightfoot said they thought it was someone playing a practical joke. To compound the situation, Lightfoot’s publicist was on vacation at the time and was unavailable to help Lightfoot dispel the rumour. The rumour apparently had its roots in an unintentional cbc.ca pre-written obituary that was mistakenly made public. The Globe and Mail then picked up the story, it then spread to media outlets across the country. The CBC issued a public apology and launched a review of its website policies. Lightfoot initially was unaware of his reported death because he virtually cuts himself off from the outside world when recording an album. On Monday Lightfoot entered a Toronto coffee shop near the recording studio and the waitress, Cindy Wallace, who had gotten to know Lightfoot over the last few weeks, had thought she had seen a ghost. “I was speechless at first and he asked me if I was OK because I had turned white. I just handed him a copy of the paper with his picture on the front cover above a story about his death.”, Wallace said. Lightfoot then calmly ordered breakfast and read the articles about his death in the newspaper. After Lightfoot could not quell the rumours of his death, despite his reported sightings in public, he simply went back to the studio and put the finishing touches on the album. “I figured that if no one was going to believe that I was alive I might as well finish the album and get back on tour.” Lightfoot said. “Gordon Lightfoot, Still Alive 2005” has received very good reviews and is currently number three on the Canadian music charts.

Ralph Klein and Stephen Harper Secretly Wed

In the most shocking announcement in Canadian political history Ralph Klein, premier of the province of Alberta, and Stephen Harper, leader of the federal official opposition, have announced they are now married. The news was broken in a joint press release. Klein and Harper become the first elected politicians to enter a gay marriage. Ironically, the recently passed bill C-38 that legalized gay marriage in Canada, allowing the two to marry, was vehemently opposed by both politicians. The press release also reaffirmed both politicians continued stance against gay marriage. The apparent contradiction was justified by the insistence that their private lives “in no way have any bearing on the political views of the political parties they represent.” Commentators across the country were stunned and most have refused to comment until more public statements are issued by Klein and Harper. Klein and Harper were unavailable for comment as they are honeymooning in Niagara Falls. This is the second marriage for both. Apparently, Klein’s marriage to Colleen Klein and Harper’s marriage to Laureen Harper were both secretly dissolved before the two could be married. Neither former wife was available for comment.

The gay community has also been baffled by the announcement and did not appear eager to have the two conservative politicians in their ranks. EGALE, a Canadian gay and lesbian lobby group, has said it was not sure what to make of the announcement. An EGALE spokesman said, “Well I am glad their true identities are finally revealed and I wish them happiness. However, I think that it is time to review their opposition to gay marriage, it simply doesn’t make any sense in light of this.” Members of Harper and Klein’s own parties have been less supportive. In fact, Klein’s provincial Progressive Conservative Party and Harper’s national Conservative Party had emergency caucus meetings and have refused public comment. Anonymous sources with access to the meetings have described them as tense. Although, Klein’s caucus did take some time to discuss an appropriate wedding gift.

One person who has not taken the news well is long time Klein advisor and confidant, Rod Love. Love released a tearful video statement where he lamented the fact he was left in the dark about the union. “I wonder how someone who says they care for you can turn around and stab them in the back. How could you do this to me?” a tearful Love said. The Love tape has fueled speculation into the true nature of him and Klein’s relationship.

Prime Minister Paul Martin did hold a press conference. Martin said he wished the new couple well and said he looked forward to congratulating them in person. When asked if he stood to gain politically from this announcement Martin had to visibly fight back a smile. Martin indicated that the personal lives of his opponents should have no bearing on his political fortunes.

Justin Trudeau and Ben Mulroney to Meet in the Octagon

Justin Trudeau and Ben Mulroney issued joint statements today announcing their plans to compete against each other in the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC). This will be the first time either has competed in the UFC. This announcement follows a falling-out between the two former friends. The two are planning to use the UFC to settle a personal feud. Unnamed sources have indicated that the feud started over a love triangle involving Catherine Clark, daughter of former Canadian Prime Minister, Joe Clark. Trudeau and Mulroney were apparently both dating Clark, unbeknownst to each other. Mulroney and Clark had what Mulroney thought was an exclusive relationship. One weekend, on a break from filming Canadian Idol, Mulroney showed up unannounced in Montreal to pay Clark a surprise visit. Mulroney entered a trendy Montreal night-spot and discovered Clark and Trudeau making-out on the dance flow. Eye witnesses say Mulroney then went into a rage, turning over tables and threatening Trudeau. Trudeau responded by challenging Mulroney to a street fight, police were called before it escalated that far. However, Mulroney’s quest for vengeance led him to challenge Trudeau to a boxing match. Interestingly, both fighters insisted on not wearing headgear, and as a result no Canadian amateur boxing association would sanction the bout. This is how the UFC got involved.

The UFC is a no holds barred fighting tournament where opponents square off in a chain-link octagon to fight. Compared to boxing there are very few rules and most combat techniques are allowed. Including: punching, kicking, kneeing, elbowing, and grappling. UFC has a reputation of being more brutal and dangerous than boxing. The fighters only wear small padded gloves rather than the larger traditional boxing gloves. A referee is in the octagon at all times controlling the action. The referee’s function is mostly to look out for infractions such as head butting or biting. However, often the referee’s only action is to stop the fight when one of the fighters becomes unconscious. Fights typically are shorter than boxing, lasting only three rounds. Many don’t last that long as one fighter will become incapacitated and the fight will end. A fighter may also “tap out” where by he signals to the referee that he wishes to give up the fight, the referee will then step in a stop the fight, this rarely occurs. Fights do occasionally go all three rounds and in that case a winner is determined by ringside judges. The UFC has a large following in the United States where its pay-per-view events often attract large audiences.

Initially the UFC had trouble finding a venue that would sanction their event. Venue owners seemed unwilling to host a fight where the main event’s fighters were entirely inexperienced. Many promoters cited high insurance costs to allow complete novices to fight. That was until officials with the Mohawk First Nation at the Kanesatake reservation near Montreal, Quebec, expressed interest. The Kanesatake reserve is most noted for the famous standoff with the army in 1990. Residents of the Kanesatake reservation are reportedly very enthusiastic to see at least one of Canada’s recent Prime Minister’s children take a beating. Band member Earl Littlebear said, “What I’d love to see is that Mulroney’s chin get a flattened.” Shirley Oliver, daughter of the chief looks forward to seeing two of Canada’s most eligible bachelors in person, “Ben is cute, but I see him all the time on Canadian Idol, I haven’t seen Justin since he gave that speech, I hope he’s still cute.” When asked if she worried that one of the two may lose some of their good looks because of the fight she was unworried, “Well, I don’t think either is much of a fighter. It will probably be more of a wrestling match.” Pete’s Gas, the reservation’s busiest gas station, has become the place where locals have been gathering to discuss the upcoming bout. Pete’s Gas is also the unofficial sports book for the event; early odds have Trudeau as the 7-5 favourite. Speculation at Pete’s gas indicates that Mulroney has the stigma of being a homosexual television host to over come. Trudeau has not faired much better. Bettors feel he has his father’s air of superiority and could use “a good swift kick”, according to one Pete’s Gas customer.

The event will be held at the Kanesatake recreation centre, the final date is still to be determined. Event organizers expect seating to be around three thousand and for the event to sell out quickly. More uncertain is how the event will be televised. UFC events are typically pay-per-view but the interest of the general public has been so high that with the help of a major sponsor the fight may appear on Canadian network television. The CBC has shied away from televising the event, citing commitment to NHL hockey. TSN, a subsidiary of Bell, has also been cool to the idea of televising the event. Surprisingly, CPAC, more known for its political coverage than sports, has been very interested in the television contract for the event. A CPAC spokesman said, “We see this event as a way to bring people who don’t normally watch CPAC to our channel. The broadcasting this event as being inline with our typical programming, as both contestants have a political connection, but will bring in a whole new audience that normally wouldn’t watch CPAC.”

It is reported that Catherine Clark will be at the event, although it is unclear who she will be supporting. Ben’s father, former Prime Minister Brian Mulroney, is said to be hoping to come if his health allows. Justin’s won’t have the support of his father, former Prime Minister Pierre Elliot Trudeau, as he passed away in 2000. Justin’s mother, Margaret Trudeau, a know pacifist, is said to be boycotting the event.

"New Orleans is Sinking", The Tragically Hip's Tragic Prophecy

Who would have thought when Gordon Downie, of the Canadian super-band The Tragically Hip, bellowed "New Orleans is Sinking" on the 1989 album "Up To Here" how right he would be. As New Orleans now sinks, experts around the world are pouring over Tragically Hip lyrics looking for other prophetic musings. Not since the works of Nostradamus were discovered have the writings of a single person been held in such light. A preliminary finding has shed light on a possible maritime accident in French coastal waters in the coming weeks or months. As the lyrics of "Nautical Disaster" on the 1994 album "Day For Night" seem to indicate. The French coast guard has been put on high alert. Other predictions are certain to come to light in the coming weeks as the lyrics are studied. Gordon Downie, the main song writer for the Tragically Hip, was unavailable for comment and hasn't been seen in public since the Live 8 concert. His band mates, who were contacted at a pub playing pool in Kingston, Ontario, trying to convince a group of American high school teenagers that they were in fact famous, seemed unworried. In fact, as Tragically Hip guitarist Bobby Baker said, "Gord? Shit, we haven't seen him for months." When asked if the band were worried that Gordon Downie may be in danger for possessing the ability to see into the future they seemed unconcerned. Drummer Johhny Fay said, "Gordon's probably on some spiritual journey to the Arctic, or carving totem poles with the Haida on the Queen Charlotte Islands. He'll be back when the money runs out." When the band was asked if they had any idea that Godon's lyrics are a window into the future they seemed unconvinced. Bassist Gord Sinclair stated, "Gordon can't see into the future. He wrote "New Orleans is Sinking" after drinking two and half bottles of bourbon after a show we did down there during Mardi Gras. If anything, the line, 'and I don't want to swim' comes from the fact we found him passed out in a pool of his own piss behind a dumpster on bourbon street." Others, however, are convinced that the lyrics of the Tragically do have a greater meaning. This belief is evidenced in the Canadian prairie province of Manitoba, around the city of Winnipeg, where people by the hundreds are searching for treasure that a group of "Wheat Kings" are said to have buried there. As written in a Tragically Hip song of the same name from 1992's "Fully Completely". Since it is now clear that the Tragically Hip's lyrics hold such a vast amount of meaning their next album has become the most awaited album by a Canadian artist since William Shatner's "Has Been".

And the Lord said to Noah, "Build me an ark".

Well, well, well I am back. Back to wasting time on the Internet that is. Look no post for almost a year, this is garunteed to be a popular blog indeed with that kind of frequency. No matter. The important thing is I didn't forget my password, which was a definite possibility. Lots has changed, back in Calgary, living on my own, got a new car.

The weather is truely shite in southern Alberta these days. Another 20mm of rain expected today, making this the wettest month on record. Now we get to enjoy farmer's complainng about too much rain. I live right beside the Bow river in Calgary. To avoid floods the city built a massive dike along the river where I live. During the recent floods the water crested about five feet below the top of the dike. The weather people (or staticians perhaps) claim we just had a one hundred or two hundred year flood. That's a pretty big flood, and the dike held. What more can you ask for? I would say that a dike that can withstand a one hundred year flood is about big enough. The city/province has done a pretty good job of containing the Bow, the Bow didn't flood any homes in Calgary that I know of. The Elbow, another river that runs through Calgary is a different story. The Elbow is a special case you see. It is fed by the Glenmore Resivour, where Calgary stores its drinking water. The Elbow drains the resovoir into the Bow. For the first time in history water poured over the top of the damn into the Elbow flooding nearby neighborhoods. Why did the Elbow flood and not the Bow? I must admit I am no civil engineer but I do know that all along the Elbow there are luxury homes. There is no way that the owners of those homes want any dikes obstucting their river views. Therefore, I have very little sympathy when the folks who built close to the river and have ruined homes. What did you think was going to happen. However, I do have sympathy for the folks who live near these luxury homes with no river view who would have had no issues with the city/province building any dikes along that river, they didn't have a choice however. We are then left with the situation where the rich along the river can afford with the help of the government rebuild. What about those who live behind. They will certainly get compensation, but what about aparments? What if an apartment owner takes the compensation and chooses not to rebuild? I guess the tenants are out of luck. Perhaps they could pitch a tent on someone's yard that lives beside the river.