Maple Leafs Sign Guy Lafleur

The Toronto Maple Leafs of the National Hockey League have signed retired fifty-three year old hall of fame member Guy Lafleur. Initially, speculation was that Lafleur would have some sort of front office position, those in attendance were shocked when it was announced that Lafleur was to play for the Leafs. This makes Lafleur the oldest player in the NHL by far. The announcement was held at a Maple Leaf press conference at the Air Canada Centre in Toronto. At the press conference Lafleur was presented with the number ten jersey he is to wear. This marks the second time Lafleur has come out of retirement to resume his hockey career.

The Maple Leafs have long tried to build championship teams using aging hockey veterans rather than building on young talent, this strategy has not even produced a Stanley Cup final appearance. The signing of Lafleur marks the most extreme example of the strategy. Anonymous sources close to the Leafs organization, speaking on the condition of anonymity, have shed light on the signing. Maple Leaf general manager, John Ferguson, after watching the Tampa Bay Lightning win the Stanley Cup using a core of talented young players from the Quebec major junior league wanted to follow suit. However, rather than send scouts to scour the Quebec league, Leaf management wanted to sign already proven Quebec talent, even if those players were a little past their prime. Initially, Ferguson demanded to sign arguably the greatest player to come out of Quebec, Maurice “Rocket” Richard. Ferguson reportedly refused to believe staff members who informed him that Richard had died in 2000. It took a signed letter from the estate of Maurice Richard and a copy of the death certificate to convince Ferguson that the legend was in fact deceased. Apparently, Ferguson thought that the Maple Leaf’s arch rival Montreal Canadiens were somehow standing in the way and preventing the Leafs from signing Richard. With Richard not being a possibility, Ferguson turned his attentions to living Quebec players. However, because most Quebec born players are brought up die hard Montreal fans with an ingrained hatred for the Maple Leafs most refused to even entertain the idea. Lafleur was reportedly cool to the idea to start as well, but when a contract in excess of two million dollars a season was offered along with a donation to his prostate cancer foundation it turned out to be too good to refuse.

Lafluer had a spectacular and storied career with the Montreal Canadiens, he retired from the Canadiens in 1985. Lafleur was inducted into the hockey hall of fame in 1988. Lafleur then came out of retirement in 1988 and played for the New York Ranger and Quebec Nordique until 1991, when he again retired. Lafleur was famous for being one of the last players to not wear a helmet, because of his age and a grandfather clause he was able to ignore the mandatory helmet rule. His long hair and attractive appearance made him a favourite amongst the ladies. Lafleur still plans not to wear a helmet when he skates for the Leafs, even with the prevalence of high sticking in the modern NHL. Lafluer has reportedly been training all summer and cut his cigarette consumption back to two packs a day, the level it was at when he won five Stanley Cups with the Montreal Canadiens in the 1970’s.

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Gordon Lightfoot Squashes Rumours of His Own Death by Releasing Album

Gordon Lightfoot, who had reportedly died last week, is apparently not dead, evidenced by Lightfoot releasing a new studio album. The sixty-six year folk legend was thought to have passed away quietly at his home surrounded by family. However, he was actually in a Toronto recording studio putting the finishing touches on his twenty-sixth studio album, appropriately titled “Gordon Lightfoot, Still Alive 2005”. The fifteen time Juno award winner, Canadian Music Hall of Fame inductee and Companion of the Order of Canada has long been Canada’s most beloved singer songwriter. News of his supposed death had brought in tributes from across Canada and around the world. Leonard Cohen said of Lightfoot, “His gift of words and melody has been unmatched in this country.” Willie Nelson called Lightfoot “...the finest Canadian musician I know and a complete gentleman.” Lightfoot has been battling health problems over the last few years and news of his death although saddening was not entirely shocking. Lightfoot said he was shocked to learn of his death and repeatedly tried to phone media outlets to put down the rumours. Many people who took calls from Lightfoot said they thought it was someone playing a practical joke. To compound the situation, Lightfoot’s publicist was on vacation at the time and was unavailable to help Lightfoot dispel the rumour. The rumour apparently had its roots in an unintentional cbc.ca pre-written obituary that was mistakenly made public. The Globe and Mail then picked up the story, it then spread to media outlets across the country. The CBC issued a public apology and launched a review of its website policies. Lightfoot initially was unaware of his reported death because he virtually cuts himself off from the outside world when recording an album. On Monday Lightfoot entered a Toronto coffee shop near the recording studio and the waitress, Cindy Wallace, who had gotten to know Lightfoot over the last few weeks, had thought she had seen a ghost. “I was speechless at first and he asked me if I was OK because I had turned white. I just handed him a copy of the paper with his picture on the front cover above a story about his death.”, Wallace said. Lightfoot then calmly ordered breakfast and read the articles about his death in the newspaper. After Lightfoot could not quell the rumours of his death, despite his reported sightings in public, he simply went back to the studio and put the finishing touches on the album. “I figured that if no one was going to believe that I was alive I might as well finish the album and get back on tour.” Lightfoot said. “Gordon Lightfoot, Still Alive 2005” has received very good reviews and is currently number three on the Canadian music charts.